I suppose this won’t be an unusual post when it comes to relationships, but it is mine.  You are permitted to move on, no one is forcing you to stay.  I stayed clear of relationships for a good three years, yes I’ve had a fling or two, but a serious relationship where I was called a girlfriend had not existed for five years (anything prior to this relationship was an attempt to be someone important to someone who needed someone else).  This relationship that ended May 13, 2017 is the price I pay for being me, cliche as that sounds, someone once said to me, “What is the common denominator in all past “relationships”?”  I was.

In the beginning of any relationship I have tried to let my partner set the pace because I knew no better; in this instance I was determined to set the pace with my partner instead.  The pace inevitably was too fast, we even found out each other’s Love Language (which he enjoyed), we spent time doing all kinds of things together (if it was out of the home, typically my bidding, while relaxing with pizza and movies was his go to; I enjoy both quite equally).  However, anxiety doesn’t let you enjoy life to the fullest if it is stirred through another’s inability to be emotionally available when conflicted or upset.  And thus, my anxiety flared with my inability to control it.  With that, he was unwilling to keep competing with my anxious upsets, and gave up quickly without allowing my faith in his love to be founded.  I am left feeling that being myself is still not tolerable; I’m sure this will pass, but the pain will inevitably leave a mark on my future behavior (good or bad).  I don’t intend to pursue any romantic relationships in the future, mostly out of fear and self-preservation, but also in the knowledge that God loves me as I am or He would not have made me thus.  I know well how to live life without a partner and intend to be as happy as I once was before this experience.  I am grateful to this man and will forever keep him in my heart where he left his mark.

My thoughts one September day (probably after hearing about more shootings or something of the like)…

What would happen if we really all did get along?

Would the greenhouse effect still exist?

Would there be quicker cures found for diseases?

Would the planet overpopulate?

Would there be just one faith?

Would we all live in one big house?

Would there be bills to pay?

Would there be a need for elections?

Would anyone be “poor?”

Would there be money or some sort of bartering system instead?

Would we marry each other?

Would evil still exist?

I know we have free will, make your own choices, carve the path you desire as good as you can, etc, but what good is free-will if in the end we are not good or as happy as we should be? Does anyone really think we are here to be unhappy?  I cannot comprehend why we choose to kill or hurt each other as we do.  We all desire to be happy and yet there are those of us who would rather lie, kill, cheat, and steal and not out of proper necessity either!  How do we not understand that if we just loved one another this world would be such a happier place for all of us?

My heart aches for the human condition.



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