Entries tagged with “love”.

I suppose this won’t be an unusual post when it comes to relationships, but it is mine.  You are permitted to move on, no one is forcing you to stay.  I stayed clear of relationships for a good three years, yes I’ve had a fling or two, but a serious relationship where I was called a girlfriend had not existed for five years (anything prior to this relationship was an attempt to be someone important to someone who needed someone else).  This relationship that ended May 13, 2017 is the price I pay for being me, cliche as that sounds, someone once said to me, “What is the common denominator in all past “relationships”?”  I was.

In the beginning of any relationship I have tried to let my partner set the pace because I knew no better; in this instance I was determined to set the pace with my partner instead.  The pace inevitably was too fast, we even found out each other’s Love Language (which he enjoyed), we spent time doing all kinds of things together (if it was out of the home, typically my bidding, while relaxing with pizza and movies was his go to; I enjoy both quite equally).  However, anxiety doesn’t let you enjoy life to the fullest if it is stirred through another’s inability to be emotionally available when conflicted or upset.  And thus, my anxiety flared with my inability to control it.  With that, he was unwilling to keep competing with my anxious upsets, and gave up quickly without allowing my faith in his love to be founded.  I am left feeling that being myself is still not tolerable; I’m sure this will pass, but the pain will inevitably leave a mark on my future behavior (good or bad).  I don’t intend to pursue any romantic relationships in the future, mostly out of fear and self-preservation, but also in the knowledge that God loves me as I am or He would not have made me thus.  I know well how to live life without a partner and intend to be as happy as I once was before this experience.  I am grateful to this man and will forever keep him in my heart where he left his mark.

I’ve experienced a lot in my life as have most by my age.  I’ve been referred to as “brave”, “strong”, and highly “resilient,” none of which would most likely be attributed to me had I not experiences where most people believe I should not have come out completely sane.  I do not see myself as special, but I do know that I needed help learning to value myself so I sought out assistance.  It may not seem amazing to most who read this, but below are some items that I had no idea were messages attributed to ‘shame.’  This was an incredible turning point in how I now view myself and the effects of what I have lived through on forming my personality.  Without God I would not be who I am because I’m most certain these messages would negatively effect the personality, i.e. contribute to negative behaviors, for most people.


CONTROL:  “It is important to be in control of your behavior and your interactions with others as much as possible.  Bad things will invariably happen if you lose control.”

PERFECTION:  “It is important to always be ‘right’ and always do the ‘right’ thing.”

NO TALK:  “Keep shameful experiences, behavior, and feelings a secret.  Never talk about them openly.”

DENIAL:  “It is important not to acknowledge feelings and needs-especially ones that make you more vulnerable or make you appear as though you have lost control.”

DISQUALIFICATIONS:  “When things don’t go as planned or expected, someone must be blamed.  If you can’t blame others you must blame yourself.”

UNRELIABILITY:  “Never expect things to go the way you want them to.  Be prepared for the unpredictable.  “Don’t expect constancy.  You can never feel secure in relationships.”

INCOMPLETENESS:  “Don’t even try to bring personal transactions or interactions to completion or resolution.  It just won’t happen.””

Adapted from: Fossum & Mason, Facing Shame, 1986.

I was thinking about being humble today, humility.  It is not that I believe we should never tell anyone the things we support, but I do believe that the constant “I’m doing this” or “I’m doing that” poses a bit as “look at me” syndrome.  I am not in the habit of saying what I do with the resources God has given me to be a helping hand in this world.  Honestly, it saddens me so very much that so many people need others’ praise for doing good in this world; this is not everyone, but I know a great deal of those who need the attention.  Just remember, if you are thinking this is you, evaluate how often you find the need to tell someone how you are being of service in some way without a goal in mind other than a pat on your back.  I am more than thankful for every single hand reaching out and helping their community in some way, I am just saddened that so many need praise for doing so.  Thank you for serving in whatever capacity you serve and please remember these are just my feelings poured out on a page.  These words are not to harm, but to help us all think about what we say and do.  Be well and thank you.