Entries tagged with “God”.

I suppose this won’t be an unusual post when it comes to relationships, but it is mine.  You are permitted to move on, no one is forcing you to stay.  I stayed clear of relationships for a good three years, yes I’ve had a fling or two, but a serious relationship where I was called a girlfriend had not existed for five years (anything prior to this relationship was an attempt to be someone important to someone who needed someone else).  This relationship that ended May 13, 2017 is the price I pay for being me, cliche as that sounds, someone once said to me, “What is the common denominator in all past “relationships”?”  I was.

In the beginning of any relationship I have tried to let my partner set the pace because I knew no better; in this instance I was determined to set the pace with my partner instead.  The pace inevitably was too fast, we even found out each other’s Love Language (which he enjoyed), we spent time doing all kinds of things together (if it was out of the home, typically my bidding, while relaxing with pizza and movies was his go to; I enjoy both quite equally).  However, anxiety doesn’t let you enjoy life to the fullest if it is stirred through another’s inability to be emotionally available when conflicted or upset.  And thus, my anxiety flared with my inability to control it.  With that, he was unwilling to keep competing with my anxious upsets, and gave up quickly without allowing my faith in his love to be founded.  I am left feeling that being myself is still not tolerable; I’m sure this will pass, but the pain will inevitably leave a mark on my future behavior (good or bad).  I don’t intend to pursue any romantic relationships in the future, mostly out of fear and self-preservation, but also in the knowledge that God loves me as I am or He would not have made me thus.  I know well how to live life without a partner and intend to be as happy as I once was before this experience.  I am grateful to this man and will forever keep him in my heart where he left his mark.

I know I am not alone and yet I am alone.  I have wandered through life it seems, unfocused at times and very focused during others, loving my friends and family and even my romantic entanglements, despising going to work at times and loving my work at others, immersing myself in life and yet withdrawing from it often; what I have come to realize is that I have not yet given myself a true sit-down regarding my passions.  What in the world do I want to do with my life?  What makes me happy?  What does God want me to do with the time I have left in this world?  What of my passions could I do every day for the rest of my life and be serenely happy and fulfilled?  Sitting down and thinking on all these questions there is only one consistent and frightening answer that ever fills my mind; the answer is not one I ever considered and yet brings such a smile to my face and peace to my heart that I know it is providential, I know it is the WRITE answer.  The frightening part is that I have no idea where to start!