I’m not certain where this entry is headed except that I need to write. Â I have really gotten back to “letting God” these past few months and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. Â There is so much I want to accomplish, a plethora of ambitious undertakings at my feet and I am constantly thwarted by the evil of this world at nearly every step. Â If you are reading this please pray for me; if you aren’t a praying person please send good thoughts and vibes my way.
I find myself looking back once in awhile when there is nothing to look back to anymore; there is no one who has given me up who is going to come to me and say I’m sorry, or I’m here for you, or anything that remotely resembles a way to allow me a sense of closure. Â I know this and still I hope for whatever ridiculously childish reason. Â I have tremendous faith in people which has caused me a great deal of pain; it has burdened me to stray from my true self to what others need or want.
I may have to take a step back from the things I enjoy and love in order to find a peaceful path with the part of my life I am forced to endure daily. Â I love my career path now and things are progressing nicely, but the path is just that and I cannot move it faster than what is best.
Relationships are the part of my life I don’t completely understand. Â People want to be my friend and then suddenly they disappear without a word; it always leaves me wondering if I did something wrong or to offend them. Â I don’t always let all of the truth come out in relationships (this includes friendships, as they are a relationship) b/c there are times when what truth I can offer will only stir up drama. Â I have found people avoiding me, ignoring me, and despising me without first ever coming to me to confront me with their feelings. Â I know that most people would say that those people are not worth my time, but you see I love people and negativity with my name attached is bad whether it is correctly placed or not. Â My last relationship, though kept under wraps, was a painful setback to my life. Â I have to let go, but the pain is so very real to this day.
Please, if you pray, say a prayer for me.