FLUX

With the passing of each wave, how do I calm the sea inside?  The tide ebbs and flows, I catch my breath and sink back under.  Where is the air, the calm, the dream of what was supposed to be, I slip back under.  There is something there, but the light is dim and my eyes sting.  I close my eyes to see.  Blurry images fade, replaced with those past.  I must open my eyes or plunge deeper into an abyss, but the pain if I do, the pain if I do…not.  Even the clouds release their plight on an already blurred soul.  Images can no longer be made certain or clear, the clearest through eyes squeezed tight.  Floating, submerged, flailing, swallowing, the pain, the salty darkness invades every sense and denies anything sweeter.  Nothing can be separated, the storm inside matches the storm prevailing all around.  Give in or die fighting the raging sea, the choice is not as simple as it seems when there is freedom to be found on either side.  The darkness is enduring when the light cannot break through.  A heavy soul lost among crashing waves cannot see the stars, cannot find the light without some semblance of a break from the pain of it.

I know I am not alone and yet I am alone.  I have wandered through life it seems, unfocused at times and very focused during others, loving my friends and family and even my romantic entanglements, despising going to work at times and loving my work at others, immersing myself in life and yet withdrawing from it often; what I have come to realize is that I have not yet given myself a true sit-down regarding my passions.  What in the world do I want to do with my life?  What makes me happy?  What does God want me to do with the time I have left in this world?  What of my passions could I do every day for the rest of my life and be serenely happy and fulfilled?  Sitting down and thinking on all these questions there is only one consistent and frightening answer that ever fills my mind; the answer is not one I ever considered and yet brings such a smile to my face and peace to my heart that I know it is providential, I know it is the WRITE answer.  The frightening part is that I have no idea where to start!