FLUX

I’m not certain where this entry is headed except that I need to write.  I have really gotten back to “letting God” these past few months and it has been a roller coaster of a ride.  There is so much I want to accomplish, a plethora of ambitious undertakings at my feet and I am constantly thwarted by the evil of this world at nearly every step.  If you are reading this please pray for me; if you aren’t a praying person please send good thoughts and vibes my way.

I find myself looking back once in awhile when there is nothing to look back to anymore; there is no one who has given me up who is going to come to me and say I’m sorry, or I’m here for you, or anything that remotely resembles a way to allow me a sense of closure.  I know this and still I hope for whatever ridiculously childish reason.  I have tremendous faith in people which has caused me a great deal of pain; it has burdened me to stray from my true self to what others need or want.

I may have to take a step back from the things I enjoy and love in order to find a peaceful path with the part of my life I am forced to endure daily.  I love my career path now and things are progressing nicely, but the path is just that and I cannot move it faster than what is best.

Relationships are the part of my life I don’t completely understand.  People want to be my friend and then suddenly they disappear without a word; it always leaves me wondering if I did something wrong or to offend them.  I don’t always let all of the truth come out in relationships (this includes friendships, as they are a relationship) b/c there are times when what truth I can offer will only stir up drama.  I have found people avoiding me, ignoring me, and despising me without first ever coming to me to confront me with their feelings.  I know that most people would say that those people are not worth my time, but you see I love people and negativity with my name attached is bad whether it is correctly placed or not.  My last relationship, though kept under wraps, was a painful setback to my life.  I have to let go, but the pain is so very real to this day.

Please, if you pray, say a prayer for me.

I know I am not alone and yet I am alone.  I have wandered through life it seems, unfocused at times and very focused during others, loving my friends and family and even my romantic entanglements, despising going to work at times and loving my work at others, immersing myself in life and yet withdrawing from it often; what I have come to realize is that I have not yet given myself a true sit-down regarding my passions.  What in the world do I want to do with my life?  What makes me happy?  What does God want me to do with the time I have left in this world?  What of my passions could I do every day for the rest of my life and be serenely happy and fulfilled?  Sitting down and thinking on all these questions there is only one consistent and frightening answer that ever fills my mind; the answer is not one I ever considered and yet brings such a smile to my face and peace to my heart that I know it is providential, I know it is the WRITE answer.  The frightening part is that I have no idea where to start!